Dear Vandy

It wasn’t meant to be like this. I didn’t intend for this to happen.

How you are managing without us, your family I cannot begin to imagine. I guess I mean the kids really, I know I am a total and utter pain in the butt (I’m working on that- for me, for you, for everyone), I’m sure you haven’t missed my regular, irrational outbursts or constant grievances about this that and the other (all things you manage to a. not even notice and b. rise above).

But the children, the children! How they’ve grown and developed and changed and become best pals and best fighting partners. Brothers in arms, conspiring against me. but having such fun doing it! How their hair has grown, the freckles on their noses multiplied. Their skin is turning a sumptuous honey colour in the sun! How they miss you babe, they have miss their papa so that my heart aches for them. I cannot fill that void and I do not try. I agree when they say ‘I wish daddy was here’ I don’t say ‘he’ll be here soon’. Soon means nothing, to anyone really but especially not to a child. Soon, when the hell is soon?

It was such a joy to have you with us even for just a few days recently. The uncertainty leading up to your arrival was unbearable (see my ‘Check it don’t wreck it’ post!) and I was really, really far down in a slump (a hard place to get out of as Dr Seuss reminds us). But oh, the ecstasy as the boys saw you alight from the train and raced like bullets from a gun into your arms! Safe, strong, hold me, lift me, protect me arms. Scarred, tattooed, bursting with muscles yet soft, affectionate, I’m always here for you arms.

Then gone again.

‘Daddy is selfless’ ‘Yes Rex, yes he is. (That’s a good adjective, how do you know it?!)’. You truly are darling. It drives me wild that work seems to come first for you so often but I know, I know you are doing it for the end game (I guess my point is I want to enjoy playing the game as well as ending it). This whole ‘Italy thing’ is for us to enjoy life MORE! Goodness me it’s easy to wind up in a rut, ground hog day, grey days, yikes I’ve hardly been outside today days. That’s not me. You know that, that wasn't me when we fell in love. But babe- that wasn’t you either. Practicalities and logistics of family life seem to supersede our own dreams. I love my work and am unbelievably lucky that I do and that I have such a fabulous clientele. I’ve moulded my working schedule around being able to do the school run at both ends of the day, every day. Yes it grips my shit, regularly and really I’d like to be going for a run, smashing out some weights, actually practising Pilates myself! But, when I observe my friends who have ‘proper jobs’ and simply do not have this flexibility I’m grateful. Yes, I could earn more money if I opted for wrap around childcare and took on more clients but, money, shmoney. We get by and we’ve stashed like squirrels to realise this dream, our Italian dream (ok, it was my Italian dream but I know it’s as much yours too now, and the children’s- they much prefer it here!)

All these days and weeks away from us. Without being able to breathe in the unique smell of the boy’s skin (ok, and their stinky farts!). Have you been sad? How have you felt our absence, when have you wanted us most, when have you needed us most?

Covid restrictions have complicated everything. I know you would have to-ed and fro-ed much more regularly had you not had to sell a kidney for all the Fit to Fly tests or pay exorbitant prices for flights. This will pass.

Dear Vandy, let’s never, ever let this happen again.